In Which I Doubt My Mommy Skills....again.

I know that in general, I am a good mommy. I would never leave my kid alone, or do anything to hurt her in any way. But am I doing enough? Rare is the weekday that I actually have time to do some tummy time with her. She still isn't rolling over by herself....or at least not for me. [Fila says she did it at daycare, but that might have been an isolated incident.] I want to teach her baby sign language, but I can only remember the signs for "more", "eat", and "please" and most of the time, I forget to use them when I say those words anyway. I am so stressed from my full-time job that I don't feel like I'm always good company for her. I'm stressed about money, and now I have a new stress: Fila is taking a vacation all next week so we have to figure out what to do with Isabel. Luckily next week is one of Bryan's short work weeks, so he'll be off Weds - Friday, but he's never spent more than 1.5 or 2 hours with her by themselves! I know he will step up, but it doesn't stop me from worrying about it. That still leaves Monday and Tuesday. I can take off work, but then I'll have a puny paycheck that week. Refer back to worry #743 re: money. I have to work full-time to help pay the bills at our house, but I feel like I'm missing out on so much, and that makes me sad. Plus, work is just plain stressful. I've got too many cases and I don't feel sufficiently appreciated (or compensated). I think about that a lot.

Also, I was going to transition Isabel to her crib this week, but I only made it 30 minutes (soothing her 3 or 4 times when she cried) on that project before I brought her back to bed with me. I only tried it the one night. The thing is, I LIKE co-sleeping with Isabel. And I think she likes it, too. Well, obviously since she didn't want to stay in her crib, even with me on a mattress on the floor next to her crib. The book I'm reading, The No Cry Sleep Solution, says that you have to WANT to transition the baby to the crib for it to work. You have to examine your motives. Are you doing it because you feel like you should, based upon what other people tell you? (um, yes.) Do you like co-sleeping and is it working for your family? (actually, yes, and I think so although I suppose I should ask Bryan.) So....I dunno. I have a terrible habit of comparing myself (or my situation) to other people. Most of the other mamas in my mama/baby group have their babies sleeping either in a bassinet or a crib. I compare myself to them and think, I should do that, too.

An even bigger issue is that I always nurse Isabel to sleep. It's just easiest for me - it's a surefire way of getting her to sleep at night. I discovered sideline nursing when she was about a month old or so, and so she's only ever known that way of getting to sleep at night. She doesn't nurse to sleep (usually) for naps, so I know she can go to sleep other ways, but not at night. I've tried just putting her down in bed, but she is NOT having that. So I've created a crutch for my child, a bad habit. It's MY fault that she has this bad habit, and boy have I been beating myself up for it lately. My other mama friends talk about rocking, bouncing, singing, etc. their babies to sleep. I just don't know how to break this habit without some major bloodshed (ok, tears) on both our parts. Right now, I'm still so tired most of the time that it doesn't take much to get the tears going. I don't have the stamina or energy to tackle this problem. So what do I do? Just continue to nurse her to sleep? That means I have to go to bed when she does. That means that Bryan and I never get to hang out in the evenings anymore. That means that my life revolves around my baby's sleep schedule. As I mentioned, I'm so tired that often I'm ready for bed when she is (at 7:30, or latest, 8:00 pm), but I also realize that I need to put some time into my marital relationship!

I think often people just sweep post-partum issues under the rug. But they are there anyway, and I'm choosing to acknowledge them. I'm standing up and saying that I'm having a HARD time with this.....being a full-time working mommy. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know how other working mamas do it without cracking up. I'm right there on the verge!

I think I need therapy/meds/HELP to sort this all out. I'm anxious, sleepy, worried, exhausted, stressed and frustrated. When Isabel wakes me up at night to eat (lately we're down to only 3 times!), sometimes I can't go back to sleep because my mind won't stop worrying/stressing/raging (at my boss, usually!). Most days I feel like I'm just barely hanging on to my composure. How's this for honest?! I'm going to talk to my doctor about meds. I don't think I'm depressed....I think it's more of an anxiety thing. I'm also going to see a therapist next week. I know that meds alone will not fix me...I'll also need to work through my plethora of issues. ;) I'm a perfectionist, and so I want to get this mommy thing down right! I want to be the BEST mommy possible to Isabel! Oh, by the way, she's 5 months old today. :)