I started back to work on Monday, May 3rd. Even though I knew that day was coming from the very start of my maternity leave, I still wasn't mentally prepared for it when the day came. We got up at 6:00 AM and I nursed Isabel for 40 minutes. Then I buckled her into her vibrating chair, put her in the bathroom with me, and got myself ready....including slapping on some waterproof mascara, which certainly was needed a bit later.
I cried all the way over to Fila's house (daycare - it's all of 5 minutes from our house) and when Fila saw my face, she gave me a big hug and said I would be okay, and that Isabel would be fine. Despite Fila's assurances, I still cried all the way to work! My first day back was super busy, so I was okay at work, but I did cry a couple other mornings that week on the way to work and/or Fila's.
I'm really resenting the fact that I have to go back to work while the other mamas in our small yoga playgroup do not. I know it's not their fault that I do, but it changes things. I don't get to participate in their weekly playgroups anymore, as they still hold them on Wednesday afternoons. I hope that we can add some weekend playdates in, but that remains to be seen.
So, because of missing out on playdates, starting back to work and jumping right in to deadlines and fairly major work stress, and just simply missing my baby like crazy, I've been an emotional wreck for the past two weeks! Poor Bryan. He's probably tired of seeing both of us crying our heads off! The thing is, you can usually fix what's causing Isabel to cry pretty simply (dirty diaper, hungry, etc.) but who's going to fix me?!!
I'm so sleep-deprived and I think that's a big part of it. When Isabel was one month old, we instigated bedtime at 9:00 pm. That helped a lot with getting enough sleep at night. When she woke up in the middle of the night, I'd just sideline nurse her and she'd usually fall back asleep after a short time. She'd wake up 2 or 3 times in the night to nurse, and then we'd eventually get up around 9:00 AM, or sometimes 10:00. I can't do that any more since I have to be at work by around 8:30 AM. That last block of sleep which would bring me to a total of about 8 hours is no longer possible. Most nights I'm lucky to get 5 or 6 hours. I just don't function well on that little sleep. Also, I don't sleep well when all 3 of us are in the bed together. I worry that B will roll over on the baby, or else by the end of the night, he's spread out so much (he's sleeping, so I guess he can't help it) that my poor buttocks are hanging off the side of the bed! Not so comfortable. Sometimes I can't get back to sleep after Isabel's last middle-of-the-night feeding, and then I dwell on it, while listening to my husband and daughter snoring away until I am so frustrated that I could cry! (and sometimes do.)
Lately I've started feeling guilty about having Isabel sleep in our bed. This week I started reading this book called On Becoming Babywise by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam because I was told by several people that it was the *magic potion* to getting their babies to sleep through the night. I have some issues with some of what I've read in this book (and I might write a more comprehensive review in another blog), but I think I will try to loosely follow their guidelines: Feed, change diaper, wake time, nap time (or bedtime). These guys are proponents of the "cry it out" school of thought. Letting Isabel cry it out in her crib shreds my heart to ribbons because I just want to go in there and cuddle her. At least the book says that you can go in every so often to comfort the baby - but then you have to put her back down again. Sigh. The first night we only lasted through 15 minutes of crying before B went in and got her. Last night she stayed in her crib for an hour and 45 minutes, but she only cried about half of that time, or perhaps even less. Progress? Perhaps. However, I could see from our video monitor that she was awake the entire time - she didn't cry herself to sleep or put herself to sleep like the book said she would! It was getting late for me, and I'd been up since 3:45 yesterday morning, so when she cried around 10:00 PM, I went in and got her and brought her back to our bed, where she stayed the rest of the night, quite happily. I was happy too, because then I could sleep! I think I will start bedtime earlier tonight so that it doesn't get so late, since apparently this sleep training is going to take awhile for her to learn. :-S ugh. I'd just as soon keep her in our bed and sideline nurse her whenever she wakes up, but other people are making me feel like a bad mommy for doing that - like I'm instilling bad habits in her at a young age. Besides, I really do not want her to still be sleeping with us in a year from now, so I suppose I will plug on with this crap.
There are so many different parenting philosophies out there - I had no idea about any of them until just before Isabel was born. I don't really know where I am on that - and B and I have not discussed it as a couple either. Bad S & B, I know. We were supposed to do that before Isabel was born. Oh well.
Fila was right though...she appears to be doing just fine in daycare. Fila says she watches the other kids playing. She's always chillin' when I get there to pick her up - she doesn't ever look upset. Fila told B that Isabel is "bien maciza!" which translates as "solid".......nice. I guess that's fine - she's definitely a good eater. I'm glad she is, and I am proud that we are still doing the breastfeeding 100%. On Sunday she will be 3 months old already! Pumping at work is not very much fun, and I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water with providing a supply of milk for daycare, but I will plug on and keep pumping three times at work (schedule permitting).
Being a mommy is hard work, not to mention, a working mommy, and right now I feel completely overwhelmed. I don't know how other mamas do it - those who somehow find time to work out (huh?), have dates with their husbands, spend quality time with their babies, do housework, cook dinner every night, AND work full-time. Someone please tell me the secret, because so far, I am failing miserably at this.
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